My nervous system is a house (a haunted house)
Succulent books, must watch TV and a war against lunchboxes
Dearest Readers,
Can somebody tell my nervous system that I am not being chased by a grizzly bear but actually just making lunchboxes?
No one tells you before becoming a parent that lunchboxes will be the bane of your existence. Pre motherhood I envisioned aesthetic sandwiches with those dinosaur shaped cookie cutters, quartered strawberries, some raisins and maybe some hummus with carrot sticks.
It’s the octopus frankfurter for me. Get a grip!
The reality, my reality, is disgusting gag inducing leftover food at the end of the day that you have to scoop out into the bin. I now understand why my mum always gave me canteen money - 50c hash browns for the win (#health). May explain some things.
Every day I grapple with putting food in that my kids will REALISTICALLY eat and food that’s put in for schoolyard optics. Don’t you dareeeeee judge me.
At the beginning of the school year parents are handed a pamphlet called ‘healthy lunchbox choices’ and I swear to god I have five of these hidden around my house. They taunt me with their images of balanced food groups.
I am at war with the brightly colored bento box currently awaiting me in my son’s schoolbags. I am at war with labelling things and I am at war with cutting the skin off cucumbers.
Last week I was going through it. Lunchboxes aside. On Wednesday my body literally just said ‘No ma’am’ and shut down.
It made me take pause. This was not my first ‘nervous system shut down rodeo’. I’ve had plenty over the past 3 years as I have been dealing with the ending of my marriage. I was running myself into the ground and the only person who could stop the cycle was me.
The shut downs are less frequent now and they only last a few hours. I am recoverable. They say that divorce is one of the most stressful times of one’s life - so I’m giving myself some space to have these moments of rest.
But the conclusion I reached for myself was that I needed to start being realistic with what I can handle and how external factors are putting unnecessary pressure on my body. For example these are the things I have had to cull recently:
My second coffee of the day. Replaced it with a matcha (which sounds so Tik Tok coded but it has CHANGED my day)
I have started going to pilates most days because I find it switches off my overthinking ADHD brain.
I’ve decided that battling with my ex is like making him a poisoned almond piccolo and then accidentally switching the coffee cups and poisoning myself instead. It serves no one and it’s a waste of almond milk. That shit is expensive.
I’ve cut out gluten again, well …. 90% of gluten (RIP croissants). I flat out refuse to give up dinner dates to Italian restaurants with my boyfriend.
I have stopped scrolling Tik Tok at night because it stresses me TF out. No I don’t need to see what workers in the North Sea are doing hanging off a boat at midnight doing iron welding with that haunting ‘yoooo hooooo’ song as the soundtrack. And if I hear the words ‘narcissist’ or ‘cortisol face’ again I will scream.
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I’ve stopped convincing myself that I can have more than two social interactions a day (After the fourth hour of socializing I start to disassociate and become overstimulated at the same time. She’s an ADHD girlie pop living in this big wide world.) I was meant for Jane Austen times where I would be sat at my desk writing letters about upcoming balls with zero interruptions.
I’ve decided that engaging / deep diving with other peoples problems when I have 10,000 of my own is not the best way forward. There are exceptions to this rule. Best friends and friends who are closest to me have free rein on my time. You wanna go for coffee to dissect everything for 4 hours? Done. No questions asked. Others who just want to trauma dump or ask me favors out of the blue?
Access denied.
It’s been a week since my existential crisis and I have to say, the math is mathing. Without that second coffee I am not on edge, my stomach doesn’t feel like it's gurgling and about to explode.
I have started scrolling Pinterest in my empty moments rather than Instagram or Tik Tok. It’s a healthier way of looking at images that inspire rather than give you dread and throwing me into a consumerist mindset.
This is one of the images I have saved.
It’s giving peace and tranquility. But also that grass looks itchy.
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I’m back in my flow with reading (it’s been brutally bland the last few months) and I’ve got some special books to share with you.
Wild Dark Shore by Charlotte McConaughey
If you follow me on instagram then you would’ve seen me ranting and raving about this book. The way I am selling it (and you bet your bottom dollar I am SELL-ING it) is that Wild Dark Shore is a climate change thriller and family drama with a little romance.
Admittedly I haven't read any of Charlotte’s previous works Migrations and ‘Once There Were Wolves’ but they are on my TBR list.
The God of the Woods by Liz Moore
I have felt rather disheartened by literary thrillers as of late but this did not disappoint. The God of The Woods was recommended to me by Jane Turner at Gertrude and Alice I really loved all the characters in this and thought that the jumping of timelines was done really seamlessly.
The Wedding People by Alison Espach
This novel was both weird and hilarious, a darkly funny story about a newly divorced woman who, in the depths of depression, checks into a hotel room with the intention of ending her life. What she doesn’t realize? The hotel is completely booked out for a wedding, and she is the only non-wedding guest.
In a moment of very dark humor, the bride-to-be figures out her plan and, in the most obnoxious request imaginable, begs her to at least wait until after the wedding. Naturally, chaos (and hilarity) ensues.
I keep all my smutty books on my phone, firstly because I can’t bring myself to carry them around and secondly because I read them in bed before I sleep. They are AWFULLY WRITTEN. Like chat gpt writing.
Inevitably I found myself reading Ali Hazelwood’s latest romance ‘Deep End’ which wasn’t as good as I’d hoped but also I actually think this would make a GREAT college drama series. It’s sexy and all about swimming and diving.
Things you need to listen to :
Giggly Squad (this is for the millennials/ Gen Z amongst us because of the type of humor): Can I just say that Paige DeSorbo has gotten me through this last week? I feel as though I have a new hype girl.
Things you need to watch:
Better Man: I am the worst friend ever and have only just watched ‘Better Man’ a film my dear friend Spencer has worked his ass off to make for the past four years. It’s the kind of movie that makes cinema exciting again. It’s entertaining, full of heart and makes you want to jump out of your seat (or in my case, bed) and dance.
Here is Spence winning an AACTA award for best editing. Spencer deserves all the awards because he is a literal creative genius.
Tell Me Lies : I feel like I’m late to the party with this one but I am HERE for it. It’s a sexy American college drama. It is on Disney + (Disney hit me up for commission )
Industry: Thank you to everyone who recommended this show. It has completely ruined other dramas for me—the writing is sharp, the characters are somehow both insufferable and utterly lovable. Also the sex scenes are *chefs kiss*. This is a #HBO show.
The White Lotus: I really didn’t dig it until the latest episode and now I’m invested. I love Lucious Malfoy playing a rich southern man.
The Gabby Petito Doc on Netflix: This was a little confronting. Mostly because of the overtly controlling behavior that Gabby Petito’s partner Brian displayed before he killed her (which no one did anything about, shock horror!). I think what was so different about this true crime doc was that the lead up to her murder is all documented because she wanted to become a travel blogger. It’s icky but I think it’s an important watch.
What are you guys reading / watching?
Send EVERY recommendation my way!
And as always..
Happy Reading .
Jessie
x
These are all things I also need to implement. Love, your cortisol-faced friend.
And she’s a giggler!!! Welcome